11.40 pm 2012 ...

The irony of life .. so much has passed, so many pages have been turned.  It is already 2012. So much to write for keeps yet I simply do not know where to begin.  But I have mentioned, blogging is not like writing diaries, it is more like jotting down memorablias in your life that you do not want to let go ..  and since I do not know where to begin, I should just write how or what I feel.

Although I have not penned down anything, and since this blog has no followers whatsoever, I can write without any care where heads and where tails are.. No one would question ..oh yeah.  what stupid things i write here now .. Ok maybe that is exactly how and what I feel now.  Plain stupid. Hmmm ...

November 2010.  No 4 who has been a spunky, active and full of  life girl, was suddenly admitted.   A lot transpired but save for me to just expose that a simple minor appendicitis operation could be a lot more than you can swallow.  After 4th day of having a distended tummy, they - doctors-in-charge-but-still-studying - decided to call for a second operation.  Instead of a nice one inch scar, my beautiful little girl now has a 6 inch ugly looking paintwork on her belly.  It truly did not help when she was just promoted to being House Captain and had to with hold her track & field medals.  Nor the Board of Prefects who had elected her to be their Treasurer or the Tunas Puteri who made her Secretary (during my time it was still the  Brownies or Young Girl Guides), and the list was long.. But she faced it at her best, and it was a real closure to her Primary School achievement years,  when her house got last placing for that year..

 As if that is not traumatic enough .. My special little angel, no 3, got sick so bad .. she has to be warded in December... and we did not stop at December 2012.  We were in the  pediatric ward not a month, not 2 months, but 3 months.  There I was not only battling with emotions, plagued with lethargy but also pained with the twisted sight of special Nawal, tubes and lines all around her.. it was like an onslaught to my existence.  It was a memory too painful to swallow, because years ago when she was barely a week old, that was how she was in another hospital.. full of lines, and wires and machines beeping all over.  But this time, she has the BiPap machine, a big gigantorous robot blowing air back into her face, disabling her the luxury of restful sleeps.  Three months?  Plus the 2 weeks I had to be with Nuha for her double op appendicitis, I have been a tenant of the hospital ward for almost 1/3 of a year.  Oh wow.. tsk.

The details are too painful for me to write now, maybe later when I am more composed and less angry at situations.  Maybe to save time, it would become soon a vague picture thus insufficient details for me to write about it when the time comes because it is ..less painful?  Or less tedious.. maybe ... ha ha, am not tempting you, but I AM such a silly, and lazy writer.

But I know I cannot erase the looks on my two youngest kids, Nuha no 4 & Dzaref no 5 (whom I call Amman), when the Prof Dr told us, that Nawal cannot be saved.  No, she said.. Nawal WILL not be saved ( if she goes through another episode of breathing difficulty... difficulty in breathing - her SP02  reading went to 38% altho she received full percentage 02 intake).  The confused look on my son, and the panic stricken look and tears welling in my daughter's eyes....  My 8 year old son and my 12 year daughter suddenly grew up into years more than they can swallow.  Nuha bawled uncontrollably.. and Dzaref, sat next to her looking into space.  What an instant education .. and it served as a base, for them to leap over.. from day dreaming childhood stage to suddenly being wheeled into reality.. purely adult thing.  I know that day, they suddenly 'grew up' and I missed many silly childish words coming out form them.  Even Dzaref, now a 9 year old, is thought to be a 12 year old, with his height and his way of handling matters..  Oh world, how cruel can you be.. A few childhood years, snatched and chopped off instantly... I suddenly have no babies to cradle..  except Nawal who will continue being rocked in her cradle with time...

when a 5 year old outsmart you

gosh,
i had a blog and its supposed to have more than one post. ha ha.. before november comes by and announce this blog's first anniversary i better blabber something - here i am posting nonetheless, my smiles and my pouts and what pours from my spouts as i shout!!

alahai, my youngest ws 5 then, now he is 6! almost a year has lapsed .. so many has happenned but i guess age catches up and you give that as an excuse but maybe, come to think of it just maybe, i just don't have the time (and guts) to blurt anything

let me share something here now that it is fresh in my mind. soon.. i know .. i would lose it all!!
memories with my loved ones are those that i treasured most and they soon fade as time goes by and most when i try to recall doesn't seem to be so cherised because i have forgotten much about its details

my youngest dzaref luqman at one time when he ws 5 said to me in the car .. "mum, what is 'compromise'?" "err darling.. can i tell you later? maybe after we have feched nawal, let me look it up in the children's dictionary or something?" (excuses - i ws thinking, how do i explain compromise in a sentence that a 5 year old would comprehend? excuses...)

"its ok mum, luqman said calmly.."(too calmly?) ".. i know, my friend told me already. Compromise is taking turns.. sharing things..correct or not mum?"
ha? what friend? who? "tell me amman, who is your friend? sohhh pandai! i really must meet this friend and the mother, sohh pandai one!!!

"its just a friend"..said amman.
"tell ibu laa, your friend is sohh pandai, must meet his/her mum lah!" coax ibu
"well .. my friend's name is ..mickey mouse"
"whaa..t?"

and luqman gave me his most innocent smile and said, "pandai kan mickey mouse.. so when we reach home, can i watch cartoon network?" snicker..snicker.. you got me there, son. hmm..

salam

euphoria of blogging - lets sample it

why do people blog? everybody seems to do it. why is there a need to make public your diaries - well isn't blogging actually writing and writing and storing it somewhere so that you can open it and recollect what went on in your life, much later? no? maybe more of a journal bec you just don't write everyday. you write when you feel like it, when you have something on your mind - that you wish to get off your chest. maybe to some it is a test of their own writing skills.

ha ha .. i am merely getting the taste of it, sampling it to see how it feels like to blog.

i write, i used to publish my words on paper .. elsewhere. blogging is too public but heck..there's no harm done in sampling it... and its been rather a long time since i write anything. 5 handbags to drag (and they are getting bigger and longer to drag though) .. i am wondering why i want to add this pass time. definitely time is something that i don't have!!! haiya!

well... lets get back my writing skills ... (my kids will say. oh yeah? stick to your tongue lashing skills he he he)

hmm.. lets see if i get hooked to it or bored of it ...

hmm ... lets see ..!